


a feeling inside (that i can't domesticate)

by lovebeyondmeasure



Category: Cormoran Strike Series - Robert Galbraith
Genre: F/M, I'm Sorry, Light Angst, One Shot, Pining, Post-Career of Evil, Robin is married to Matthew, Written Pre-Lethal White
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 06:56:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14806509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovebeyondmeasure/pseuds/lovebeyondmeasure
Summary: She was hardly a wilting flower. He would hardly be dealing with his wayward fucking heart if she were; such women weren’t his type.And Robin, damn it, was precisely his type.





	a feeling inside (that i can't domesticate)

**Author's Note:**

> Title and inspiration from Fall Out Boy's song "Bishops Knife Trick" from their new album.

He was staring at the door again, a forgotten cigarette in his fingers smoldering itself to ash. Damn it. Damn everything.

 

Out at her desk, Robin was typing, the clacking of the keyboard rhythmic and faster than he could ever manage. He could hear the way she considered sentences in the pauses, and knew when she’d made a typo by the way her keystrokes changed. They became firm and swift, as though she was frustrated by her own errors, and was taking it out on the backspace key.

 

He shouldn’t be so aware of his partner’s typing habits. He shouldn’t be so aware of his partner, full stop. This was… madness. She was  _ married, _ for fuck’s sake. He’d been there, heard her say “I do,” watched them kiss. She’d been gone for two weeks on honeymoon, had come back glowing and well-rested and hopeful. He’d given her back her job—how could he not?

 

Robin was Robin, and he hadn’t realized how much he’d come to rely on her until he’d had to do without her. He should have known better than to tell her to leave a child with a monster; Robin could no more do that than he could stop the tides. She had a deep streak of righteousness running through her, or perhaps the word was  _ rightness. _

 

He saw the world like a soldier, the rules and regulations giving it form. Rules could be circumvented, bent perhaps, but they were important. They were how the world kept its shape. 

 

Robin didn’t see it quite the same way. Rules were important, and she believed in laws, of course. But rules that prevented her from doing the right thing were simply… ignored. 

 

That was so unexpected as to shock him, but there was no denying it. And why he should be so shocked? Robin had once cheerfully done a credible job committing identity theft by phone, at his own request. She was hardly a wilting flower. He would hardly be dealing with his wayward fucking heart if she were; such women weren’t his type.

 

And Robin, damn it, was precisely his type. 

 

He hadn’t thought so, at first. He’d thought his type was Charlotte: glittering perfection, long-limbed and beautiful and irreparably damaged. He’d been with other women since then, different types- gorgeous Ciara, tiny Nina, pale Elin. A few others, less memorable and always, always short-term. He wasn’t in the habit of being with a woman for long; the ones who were attracted to him weren’t the types to bring into your life.

 

They were usually pretty, always smart, and to a one they were… eccentric? No, neurotic.  _ Cuckoo, _ he thought to himself wryly. Robin wasn’t those things, at all.

 

Or, well, she was. He just hadn’t seen it at first. She was smart in ways he wasn’t, putting together pieces in ways he wouldn’t have thought to. She read crime novels as often as gossip magazines. She’d gone to uni, and would have finished. She was beautiful, undeniably so, though he’d been trying since the day she’d walked into his office. Not in the way he’d thought he liked, but in an honest way that had nothing to do with the number of days she went to the gym or calories she ate and everything to do with the way she carried herself, chin up, shoulders back, as though daring people to underestimate her based on her pretty face. 

 

And she was damaged, too, perhaps irreparably, as she had confided in him. But her damage hadn’t made her hard, hadn’t turned her into a blade to wield against others. It had made her… strong, in the way that martial artist’s bones were strong, from being broken and then healing, over and over. She had been brutalized, and it had only made her kinder, more compassionate, more willing to fight for others. And it had given her a viciousness, too, which he hadn’t thought she had in her, a willingness to fight that he respected. In fact, he found it… found it... well.

 

He could hardly pinpoint the moment in which he’d found it impossible to deny the feelings which had taken up residence in the cage of his ribs, but he was far past the point of ignoring them. There was an admiration and a yearning, a sort of painful hope that was quashed with every glint of her golden wedding band and which returned with every smile she gave him. He knew that Matthew had been angry when she had returned to work with him, and it gave him a perverse pleasure to know that she had in some small way chosen him over her husband. 

 

Matthew didn’t understand Robin, the way she fought for people, the way she burned to see justice done.  _ As though you know her so much better than her husband, _ he told himself over and over again,  _ she’s been with him near a decade and you’ve known her a year, don’t be a fool. _ But he was a fool. And he knew that fire, that need to see wrongdoers punished, recognized it in her from seeing it in his own mirror. 

 

_ Give over,  _ he told himself.  _ Get a grip. This is useless. _ But he was still staring at the door, and Robin was still typing, and London went on outside, cabbies honking their horns, a busker somewhere in the distance. 

 

And if it was useless, well, so what? It could be no more useless than the sixteen years he’d spent hung up on Charlotte, his whole life swinging about to follow an ever-changing north. A hopeless hangup was hardly the worst thing he’d put his heart through, and there was comfort in its futility. What they had was partnership, and a good strong one, and nothing more than that. But that wasn’t nothing, even if his luckless,  _ stupid _ fucking heart wished for more. The sapphire ring, paired with the golden band, put well paid to it, and that was that.

 

He lit another cigarette, blowing the smoke towards the open window. It would pass eventually, as all things must. And until then… he inhaled deeply, letting the nicotine rush into his lungs, his veins, fancying it chased Robin out. Perhaps he’d go down to the pub tonight, make eye contact with a few pretty women, see if any of them were out looking to make a mistake or two. That’s what he was- a great big fucking mistake. And Robin was far too smart for that. She had Matthew, with his good steady job and his square jaw and his matching ring.

 

_ Enough of this fucking pity party, _ he thought finally, stubbing out the cigarette. The glow of the city through the open window beckoned to him, calling for him to come immerse himself in something else, someone else, for the night. And he should. He  _ would. _

 

He could hear Robin, out in the office, had stopped typing. He knew she would be packing up for the day, to go home to her tidy little suburban life. He should think about anything else, instead of torturing himself with the knowledge that he’d fallen into some sort of… infatuation with his partner. He needed a drink. He needed two.

 

This would pass. It had to. Just because Robin suited him right down to the ground didn’t mean she was his for the taking. He would go get a few pints to drown out the unruly feelings running riot in him, and find some other beautiful, damaged girl who might bring him home for the night. It wasn’t a perfect plan, of course, but in the face of the current situation, he didn’t see another.

 

Well. Of course there were others. But none that he was willing to attempt. Not now. Not yet. Not tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at [lovebeyondmeasure.tumblr.com](http://lovebeyondmeasure.tumblr.com)


End file.
